A great evening was coming to an end we laughed, we smiled, said silly stuff, walked hand in hand & pulled each other in each others direction. On our way back a small rather insignificant topic came up. I was asked about my observation and that suddenly turned into tempers flaring.
I tried my best to stay quiet about the matter afterwards as I wanted to ignore this little stupid thing which shouldn’t ruin an otherwise perfect evening. But she held on to it. It wasn’t new for her to be so passionate about things and say things that would pierce through your heart like a steak knife. I tried my best to ignore it as I knew it would only take about 15 minutes for her to be back to normal and talk about other things.
My head suddenly felt like a 1000 degrees my blood boiled for 1 tiny second and I let it out. I lost my cool and raised my voice. Within 5 seconds I realized that I had made a mistake. I felt so bad that an apology for my behavior couldn’t even come out of my mouth. I turned around went to the room and buried my head in my book. But, my mind kept playing those 5 seconds over and over and over again. I gave up reading and decided to take a nap instead as my heart could not withstand this constant nagging of my mind saying “you pathetic fool what have you done”.
I was asked to move over to the mattress to sleep more comfortably by the calm voice of the love of my life. Then, after what seemed like an eternity I felt a hand on my shoulders and a face close to mine. A familiar fragrance that I love so much and the same voice saying “Dinner is ready. Get up and eat.” I got up without making a sound. Had my dinner quietly as a mouse and went back to sleeping. Even now, an apology wouldn’t come out of my mouth. Not that I wasn’t sorry or I wasn’t feeling bad for what happened but I was too stunned on what had happened. I tried to make small talk but she wouldn’t be interested. I went back to sleep without making a sound. The last thing I wanted to do was to upset her again.
Next morning I woke up early, saw that she was sleeping so I went out to get some breakfast. I walked aimlessly around the market as if I was trying to find something. But what I really wanted can’t be found in any market on the planet. I was trying to find a key, a key to turn back time just a little bit but I know I wouldn’t find it here. Never the less, I went back home.
“I think we should just be friends” she said. If I ever wanted to find out what it would feel to be hit by a lightning bolt right on the head. That moment would’ve answered that question. The numbness of my brain upon processing those words couldn’t be compared to anything I had felt before. I had no idea what to say or do. All I could manage was to feel. Feel those words slicing my very being into pieces. I somehow managed the courage to reason and with the ever present passion in her she responded, “You raised your voice yesterday.” She went on to describe the entire experience from her point of view and while explaining she had tears rolling down her eyes. My heart dropped at the sight of her tears. I wanted to hold her so badly at that point in time. Tell her I was so sorry and that I never want to see a tear in her eye ever again unless they are tears of joy. I went ahead to wipe those precious drops from her eyes but she wouldn’t let me. My heart sank even deeper.
Even now when I recollect those moments, I have this feeling inside of me that is indescribable. There I was, staring at her eyes half attempting to comfort her half attempting to wipe those tears off. She told me everything that she felt and how she spent her night sleeplessly. I couldn’t believe what I had done. The heart that should skip a beat at the very sight of me is now wailing because of me. The eyes that would sparkle when they see me are now wet and red. The lips that would smile are now frowning. The sight in front of me was like an apocalypse.
Her tears telling me,“I love you but why do you hurt me. Why don’t you understand what has happened here.” I could understand her tears but I couldn’t understand myself. It had left a scar on her. A scar that if given a chance would take me years to heal. I had broken the heart of a person who I hold most precious in my life. I felt so ashamed to be me.
Even when I type these words right now. I can feel my heart pounding. My nerves pulsating so fast that I could feel their intensity all over my body. The storm of emotional outburst that is contained within this outwardly calm appearance is destroying me from within. This state of self-awareness at the onset of tears is the most disastrous thing you can ever experience if you love someone deeply.
I am sorry my love. I am so sorry.