Confused

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What the heck is happening!? I am happy one second, sad the other, full of life one time and lack of it another. No,  I am not going insane. I am simply confused. Confused by the onset of highs and lows happening with me every single minute.

Like a man in a desert looking for an oasis. I keep walking, half hoping that crossing the next sand dune would give me a view of a town that would give me water and food, or, at least a shade to rest in. My mind is getting tired of this emotional roller coaster. My love, breathless and parched; My feelings famished and my body..burnt.

Mixed signals, mixed messages, mixed feelings. One day she talks like she loves me so much that she needs to know everything I am doing every single moment of my waking life. Behaving like nothing is wrong. And the next moment, its like she doesn’t even know me. Simple, straight forward one word answers.

I am not a fan of this psychological war fare that I have been put into. This emotional shit storm is not my cup of tea. I am a simple being with simple emotions. Imagine that you’re having the time of your life and suddenly for no apparent reason you get beamed up and put in the middle of a war zone. The neurological overload owing to the electrical signals on your brain at that moment could light up a big city!

I know that there is something deeper that affects her but she isn’t willing to share. Love is there without a doubt but so is lack of trust from her. “A big battle between the brain and the heart” she had said once. An unwillingness to make the fall of trust. That’s what has caused this. But, I can only be a bystander and take the hits that I am supposed to take because I love her. I would go through this all without making a sound.

Bruce Lee once said, “Be like water my friend.” I think I am going to take him up on his word..

The Value of Tears

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A great evening was coming to an end we laughed, we smiled, said silly stuff, walked hand in hand & pulled each other in each others direction. On our way back a small rather insignificant topic came up. I was asked about my observation and that suddenly turned into tempers flaring.

I tried my best to stay quiet about the matter afterwards as I wanted to ignore this little stupid thing which shouldn’t ruin an otherwise perfect evening. But she held on to it. It wasn’t new for her to be so passionate about things and say things that would pierce through your heart like a steak knife. I tried my best to ignore it as I knew it would only take about 15 minutes for her to be back to normal and talk about other things.

My head suddenly felt like a 1000 degrees my blood boiled for 1 tiny second and I let it out. I lost my cool and raised my voice. Within 5 seconds I realized that I had made a mistake. I felt so bad that an apology for my behavior couldn’t even come out of my mouth. I turned around went to the room and buried my head in my book. But, my mind kept playing those 5 seconds over and over and over again. I gave up reading and decided to take a nap instead as my heart could not withstand this constant nagging of my mind saying “you pathetic fool what have you done”.

I was asked to move over to the mattress to sleep more comfortably by the calm voice of the love of my life. Then, after what seemed like an eternity I felt a hand on my shoulders and a face close to mine. A familiar fragrance that I love so much and the same voice saying “Dinner is ready. Get up and eat.” I got up without making a sound. Had my dinner quietly as a mouse and went back to sleeping. Even now, an apology wouldn’t come out of my mouth. Not that I wasn’t sorry or I wasn’t feeling bad for what happened but I was too stunned on what had happened.  I tried to make small talk but she wouldn’t be interested. I went back to sleep without making a sound. The last thing I wanted to do was to upset her again.

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Next morning I woke up early, saw that she was sleeping so I went out to get some breakfast. I walked aimlessly around the market as if I was trying to find something. But what I really wanted can’t be found in any market on the planet. I was trying to find a key, a key to turn back time just a little bit but I know I wouldn’t find it here. Never the less, I went back home.

“I think we should just be friends” she said. If I ever wanted to find out what it would feel to be hit by a lightning bolt right on the head. That moment would’ve answered that question. The numbness of my brain upon processing those words couldn’t be compared to anything I had felt before. I had no idea what to say or do. All I could manage was to feel. Feel those words slicing my very being into pieces. I somehow managed the courage to reason and with the ever present passion in her she responded, “You raised your voice yesterday.” She went on to describe the entire experience from her point of view and while explaining she had tears rolling down her eyes. My heart dropped at the sight of her tears. I wanted to hold her so badly at that point in time. Tell her I was so sorry and that I never want to see a tear in her eye ever again unless they are tears of joy. I went ahead to wipe those precious drops from her eyes but she wouldn’t let me. My heart sank even deeper.

Even now when I recollect those moments, I have this feeling inside of me that is indescribable. There I was, staring at her eyes half attempting to comfort her half attempting to wipe those tears off. She told me everything that she felt and how she spent her night sleeplessly. I couldn’t believe what I had done. The heart that should skip a beat at the very sight of me is now wailing because of me. The eyes that would sparkle when they see me are now wet and red. The lips that would smile are now frowning. The sight in front of me was like an apocalypse.

Her tears telling me,“I love you but why do you hurt me. Why don’t you understand what has happened here.” I could understand her tears but I couldn’t understand myself. It had left a scar on her. A scar that if given a chance would take me years to heal. I had broken the heart of a person who I hold most precious in my life. I felt so ashamed to be me.

Even when I type these words right now. I can feel my heart pounding. My nerves pulsating so fast that I could feel their intensity all over my body. The storm of emotional outburst that is contained within this outwardly calm appearance is destroying me from within. This state of self-awareness at the onset of tears is the most disastrous thing you can ever experience if you love someone deeply.

 

I am sorry my love. I am so sorry.

The Other Side of Fear

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   Every morning I make it a point to wish my love. We had been having issues, I was holding on too tight. More thinking less feeling. I had forgotten what love was really like. I was trying too hard to impress someone who would be impressed even if I get the smallest of the things right.

It was fear. Fear that arose from within. Fear that generated from the 1st fight we ever had. When I thought I had lost her. That fear came and never really left. After that my motivation to do things was more to do with the fear & less to do with love. Every time I’d tell my self to “not mess up this time” and you know what? I’d mess up the simplest of things. Something as simple as meeting up on time would be such a strenuous task because of this underlying fear.

I had started using my head too much instead of the heart where feelings should come from. Love is like a river, it should flow from within you and give life to everything that’s contained in you. After my last screw up I introspected. I wondered why I would do things so out of character. It then hit me that it was indeed fear of losing. So, I took up the courage to write to her what I felt; letting go of the fear that I had. I chose to love that day and face my fears head on no matter what the consequences.

The funny part about fear is, you are only going to lose if you are scared of it. When you make up your mind and heart to face this no matter what, to shed all the inhibitions that have been holding you back for so long that you can barely recognize yourself in the mirror. You emerge victorious.

I, have started my battle and I shall conquer this once and for all for, this life you live only once and only once shall you love. Be fearless in the face of fear my friend and you shall overcome all.

 

What am I doing here?

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Remember the last time you were at a place where nothing else mattered. I don’t. Despite countless inspiring quotes on the web and hundreds of inspirations in front of me; I can’t seem to break this wall that I have unknowingly created around me.

I am constantly clawing at the wall trying my best to break it down but without any tools, my efforts are futile. That still doesn’t stop me from trying though. Realization is good but realization without knowing how or what you can do feels similar to being suffocated by a loved one.

I am unable to feel the feelings in its completeness. I can see that I have the best things in the world right in front of me. A loving & caring partner, wonderful family, great set of friends, a job that I am good at; everything that many people yearn for. Yet, I am unable to live to the fullest.

Now I know what a person who loves to dance & who gets suddenly paralyzed feels. You have the will to dance you have the emotion to dance but all you can manage is a few drops of tears. Something as simple and as beautiful as living to the fullest now seems like such an impossible thing to do.