Confused

What the heck is happening!? I am happy one second, sad the other, full of life one time and lack of it another. No,  I am not going insane. I am simply confused. Confused by the onset of highs and lows happening with me every single minute.

Like a man in a desert looking for an oasis. I keep walking, half hoping that crossing the next sand dune would give me a view of a town that would give me water and food, or, at least a shade to rest in. My mind is getting tired of this emotional roller coaster. My love, breathless and parched; My feelings famished and my body..burnt.

Mixed signals, mixed messages, mixed feelings. One day she talks like she loves me so much that she needs to know everything I am doing every single moment of my waking life. Behaving like nothing is wrong. And the next moment, its like she doesn’t even know me. Simple, straight forward one word answers.

I am not a fan of this psychological war fare that I have been put into. This emotional shit storm is not my cup of tea. I am a simple being with simple emotions. Imagine that you’re having the time of your life and suddenly for no apparent reason you get beamed up and put in the middle of a war zone. The neurological overload owing to the electrical signals on your brain at that moment could light up a big city!

I know that there is something deeper that affects her but she isn’t willing to share. Love is there without a doubt but so is lack of trust from her. “A big battle between the brain and the heart” she had said once. An unwillingness to make the fall of trust. That’s what has caused this. But, I can only be a bystander and take the hits that I am supposed to take because I love her. I would go through this all without making a sound.

Bruce Lee once said, “Be like water my friend.” I think I am going to take him up on his word..

What am I doing here?

Remember the last time you were at a place where nothing else mattered. I don’t. Despite countless inspiring quotes on the web and hundreds of inspirations in front of me; I can’t seem to break this wall that I have unknowingly created around me.

I am constantly clawing at the wall trying my best to break it down but without any tools, my efforts are futile. That still doesn’t stop me from trying though. Realization is good but realization without knowing how or what you can do feels similar to being suffocated by a loved one.

I am unable to feel the feelings in its completeness. I can see that I have the best things in the world right in front of me. A loving & caring partner, wonderful family, great set of friends, a job that I am good at; everything that many people yearn for. Yet, I am unable to live to the fullest.

Now I know what a person who loves to dance & who gets suddenly paralyzed feels. You have the will to dance you have the emotion to dance but all you can manage is a few drops of tears. Something as simple and as beautiful as living to the fullest now seems like such an impossible thing to do.